


the freedom of falling

by shotforthesky



Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Internalized Homophobia, Lilette shows up for a second, M/M, Slight fluff, but this is mostly Simon flipping out, not that bad but still, slight angst, so does Annabelle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 15:45:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14381823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotforthesky/pseuds/shotforthesky
Summary: Simon doesn't know how to deal with Jeremy.post 1x06





	the freedom of falling

**Author's Note:**

> so there are a limited amount of works in this fandom  
> i'm trying
> 
> title is from waves by dean lewis which i thought was a simon song
> 
> read on   
> [tumblr](http://shotfortheskyy.tumblr.com/post/173143560239/siremy-the-freedom-of-falling)

Simon had always thought he was sure of who he was. He had a whole plan for his life, to live in a way that would make his parents proud, that would make his sister proud, that would reflect his interpretation of how God wanted him to live. But he found himself slipping further and further from who he thought he was, falling and falling into a version of himself he found it harder and harder to recognize and he couldn’t stop himself. He had felt lost himself in the turmoil of his emotions, only finding clarity in a moment that he had wished never happened.

He could feel it coming the second he heard Jeremy’s feet chasing him out of the auditorium, hoping and praying that it wouldn’t come, hoping that the vision he had created of himself wouldn’t be shattered and incapable of fixing. It was all in vain.  
He was haunted by Jeremy. Everytime he closed his eyes, there he was, admitting his feelings in the parking lot, a hopeful but guarded expression on his face, like he was hoping for the best but inevitably preparing for the worst. Everytime he closed his eyes, he could feel the warmth of Jeremy’s touch on his arm, the softness of his lips, and the brushing of his hair against Simon’s forehead. Everytime he closed his eyes, he could feel himself slipping further and further, chasing the warmth he felt when he was with Jeremy.  
But everytime he leaned towards following that gut feeling, that feeling leading him to Jeremy, he was pushed back with the persistent image of his family. He couldn’t do this to them. He couldn’t dishonor them. So he had made up his mind. He would suppress whatever thing he felt for Jeremy.

So he kept telling himself he was doing it for his family. He said it when he approached Annabelle. He said it when he felt that spike of jealousy and pushed it down. He said it when he was at the convenience store. He said it when he was at the steel mill. But after he did it, he knew he wasn't doing it for his family. He was doing it for him. He was stuck trying to convince himself there was nothing, that he was straight, that Jeremy was nothing to him.

After everything happened, he couldn’t sleep. Jeremy. Annabelle. His mom. His dad. His sister. God, he was a disaster. 

The next day at school, he clung to Lilette in the hall. Every time he saw Annabelle, he could feel the regret and the shame. He couldn’t believe he did what he did. Every time he saw Jeremy, his stomach twisted. Or was it his heart? He locked eyes with him, the breath getting knocked out of his chest. His legs trembled slightly.

“Lil, I feel sick, I’ll meet you later,” he choked out as he left her side, ducking into the closest bathroom. 

He quickly checked for people, relieved that the bathroom was empty. He rested his shaking hands against the sink, trying to take deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. He couldn’t do this. How could he deal with rehearsal, with both of them there, practically forcing him to come to terms with whatever thing he was going through. He could skip it. He could say he was sick. He could avoid this at all costs. Or try to at least.

He never realized the door had opened and a boy had stepped in, eyes immediately drawn to his hunched figure. He was so caught up, snapped out of his thoughts by a hand on his wrist. A trembling hand. And a soft spoken, “Simon?” 

Jeremy.

“Simon, are you okay?”

Simon flinched back but couldn’t bring himself to pull his arm away from Jeremy’s touch. He hated himself for it. 

“What are you doing to me, Jeremy?”

“I-I don’t understand? If you’re talking about the kiss then Simon, I’m sorry, I just...I know what I feel and I really think you feel it to.”

“But I can’t! I can’t feel that way about you! It would destroy everything, my family would never forgive me. You just don’t get it!”

Jeremy’s hand squeezed his wrist as he said, “I understand more than you know. I’m scared to, Simon. This is new to me too, I’ve never been in this position. I’ve never...felt this before. I’m not going to force anything on you, I would never. But please, just...think about this. I can be friends if you want to be friends, I promise you that, but only if you think about this before coming to a decision on us.”

Simon let his eyes shut, feeling tears push against his eyes. He wanted to give in. He wanted to feel Jeremy’s lips against his. He wanted to feel his hand in his. He looked down at their hands, slowly sliding his hand so he could turn it around, tips of his fingers brushing Jeremy’s. Simon looked up, eyes roaming from Jeremy’s pink cheek, to his soft lips, and his wide eyes. He studied him. He studied the angles of his cheeks, his jaw, the curve of his nose, the arch of his eyebrows, like it was the last time he would ever get the chance.

Jeremy stepped forward and Simon turned his body towards him. 

“If I were to feel something,” his voice was so rough he wanted to flinch, “we wouldn’t be able to be what you wanted. No one could know.”

Jeremy locked eyes with him, then shut his eyes and nodded. 

“I know, Simon, I know.”

And he kissed him. 

And for a second, it was just Simon and Jeremy, no family, no God, no expectations, no limitations, no pressure, just freedom. The whole world had just drifted away.

And for the first time in his life, Simon accepted the fall.

**Author's Note:**

> drop a comment, request something, i'm trying  
> join me as i cry every tuesday on [tumblr](http://shotfortheskyy.tumblr.com/)
> 
> also i know the end is cheesy but lol please after the stunt they pulled last week i need this


End file.
